Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
