He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I have surprise drugs for everyone
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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