Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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