Your face is a jimmy john
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
