I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
