I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
