You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
a search helicopter?!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
