I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
