i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
