you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
