Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
