I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
