believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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