I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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