Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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