Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
