now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
