So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
