omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
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The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
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I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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