Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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