Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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