Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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