the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
