Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
