I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
