She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
