All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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