my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
