My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just got carded by a ten year old.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
