There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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