sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I supernannyed him into submission
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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