Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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