What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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