What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
