I want to have your abortion
Duck Duck Cougar?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
