I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
