She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
