Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
