Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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