i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
