I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
