Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
