I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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