just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
