Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
