My first STD was from a foam party
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
