The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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