Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
