Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
