I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
