why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
