I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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