I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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