I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
