K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
