I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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