she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
