Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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