my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
