We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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